Helpless Helping the Hopeless

Alison was moved to the third floor today. Room 301. It was a difficult visit. I feel exasperated to be honest. There was some talk today that Alison might be transferred to a facility in Catonsville. And while this did not pan out, it left Alison in a state of paranoia, fear, and terror. She is scared to leave the hospital. She is afraid she will be harmed. At the same time, she is convinced that the nurses at AAMC are talking about her, hate her, are plotting against her, denying her care/meds. She was offended when the nurse closed her door because she was yelling. She watches the clock constantly.  If someone promises something in an hour and they don't deliver, Alison takes it personally and immediately brands that person untrustworthy.  If the staff doesn't chit chat with her, she thinks they are out to get her.  I could go on and on with examples. She is extremely hyper-aware/sensitive to everything..body language, sounds (especially jingling keys), what the nurses are doing/saying, a glance out the window, tone of voice, nuance, etc. 

She demanded that I help stand her up. I explained that I couldn't because neither one of us is strong enough. This went on and on until finally she was convinced she is paralyzed. 

She cried the whole two hours I was there. I used everything in my bag of tricks to console her. Nothing worked.  I bumbled through the whole visit. She latched onto my arm with all her strength and, sobbing, begged me to stay...the fear in her eyes broke my heart. I promised her that I was not abandoning her and that she was safe. And that Andy and I would be there tomorrow. She said she couldn't promise me that she would be here tomorrow. 

I warned the nurse that they were in for a rough night. They said they were used to it but the fact that I could not calm Alison the entire time I was there, made me think tonight would be different.  I urged the nurse to give her something for her anxiety. She was hesitant at first, saying that Alison can't have anything like that 24 hours prior to discharge.  I said she probably wasn't going anywhere tomorrow so hopefully they gave her something to take the edge off.

Her new room is bright and cheery and apparently Alison had remarked about that earlier in the day. She has a phone but she won't practice using it despite wanting to call people. I left instructions by her bed but she claims she can't read it. 

Let's hope tomorrow is an "up" day!!!